The introvert paradox

Put on your fake, big-framed glasses and curl up in front of your fake fireplace, ladies and gentlemen.

It’s time to talk about something that ruffles my hypothetical feathers the wrong way.

*Side-note: If I was a bird, I would most definitely want to be a golden eagle.*

You’ve probably seen it all over social media. You may even be a perpetrator.

“I’m an introvert!”

That. That statement makes me wish whoever said it was a mountain goat and I was a golden eagle.

You are most certainly NOT an introvert. That is a Pat Koster™ guarantee. Sure, you may have more introverted tendencies, but you’re most certainly not entirely introverted.

So please, I beg of you, please stop declaring you’re something you’re not. It’s a big, fat lie. You’re lying more than Marty Wolf lied about stealing Jason Shepherd’s essay. (If you don’t get this reference, please leave now.)

Anyways, where was I?

Oh yeah, you dirty fr*ckin’ liar! Quit it!

Normally, I wouldn’t care what you self-identify as. But this identification bothers me like stepping on a wet surface wearing only socks.

Why? It’s quite simple, really.

Oh, you don’t get it? I didn’t expect you to. Allow me to elaborate:

From the limited world I observe, identifying as an introvert has quickly transformed into some sort of cultural phenomenon that allows people to make excuses, become dissolved into sub-cultures they would otherwise have no business belonging to, and my personal favorite, make stupid bios on their dating and social media profiles.

Making excuses

“Lawlz i haet partyz, im such an awkwerd introvert”

No. No you’re not. You’re not an introvert and also “awkward” is an awkward word to spell and type.

You can’t use a false self-identification as a reason you don’t want to go to a social gathering. I mean, you can, but you just sound like an idiot. Besides, social gatherings are a good thing. We humans thrive off other human connections. So start making them every now and then.

Dissolving into sub-cultures

Have you ever identified yourself as an “introvert?” Have you then proceeded to exclaim that you are “awkward,” “nerdy,” a “geek” and other phrases? This one’s for you!

From my highly scientific research, I’ve found that most people who say things like this most definitely have more extroverted tendencies. But for some odd reason, they like to claim that they like reading books and “nerding out” about various geek topics. Yes, there’s a difference.

They are suddenly HUGE superhero fans and know EVERYTHING there is to know about the Harry Potter series and astrophysics because they’re very in-touch with the universe.

They’re born-again bookworms who made fun of you for reading during study hall instead of staring at the wall or talking in school. They set things like “Who reads!?!” as their favorite books on Facebook.

But now, “The Great Gatsby” is their favorite book. Most likely due to the most recent Gatsby film featuring Leo DiCaprio. Let’s face it, they probably don’t even know Gatsby’s real name. “Wait, it isn’t Great Gatsby?” they ask.

Those people.

It’s one thing to have a variety of different interests. It’s another to go from detesting one thing one day and being completely enthralled with it the next.

Why? Because being uncool is cool now? Because being the anti-social nerd is the popular trope on “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” now? Great.

What was the last category? Oh right, Profiles.

Bio reads: “Introvert. Capricorn. GoOd ViBeZ [peace sign emoji]”

C’mon now! You’re just branding yourself as a prefabricated personality type.

You’re so much more than that. People (at least semi-decent people) are constantly changing. We’re growing. You can be more introverted today and more outgoing tomorrow. Don’t give someone a preset idea of what you’re like 24/7. Because that’s what it seems like.